Mom, John, Mom, John

I’m really falling behind on this blog. So I’m going to skip forward and maybe, hopefully go back to the awesome yoga weekend.

My brother looks like my mother. That’s new. I drove up to New Hampshire yesterday to see my brother John. I hadn’t seen him since my mom’s funeral. He has always looked like my dad – strong face, square shoulders, I have photos of him on his boat in the Caribbean after my dad died, and he looked like the spittin image of my dad in his prime. But yesterday, all I could see was my mom and it was the strangest feeling. Comfort, loss, uncertainty, and mostly love.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve come to peace with my mom. She and I had our moments, well, years actually, when we battled like demons. In my opinion, she lived from a position of fear and every piece of advice, every command, every statement that she uttered came from fear. I totally resented that. In retrospect, my perspective was not entirely true, but it was to some extent, and I’m okay with that now. Seeing her childhood home, spending time with the (general) type of people she grew up with, and just a little distance since she died has allowed me to understand her a little better, and I guess, to forgive her and me as well.
So my brother looks like her. It was strange to see a part of her in him. Out of the corner of my eye I could see her mouth, her smile, and her love.

I went to the body worker again this week and as he did another little reiki session on me, I got a huge surge of love from my mom – it was really wonderful. Turned out it was her birthday – I realized it later, so maybe that time I got the birthday gift.

People used to tell me all the time that I looked like my mom. I didn’t see it, but they said I had her high cheekbones. I’ll take that, but I won’t take her fear. John said I looked better than I had in years (thank you Bikram yoga!) and that I had a wonderful sense of comfort and peace about me. (again, than you Bikram yoga!). I have been working hard over the last year to evolve, and I guess it’s showing. He also liked my general plan to relocate and open a studio.
John looks good, he seems happy and he has a lovely life in Portsmouth. He is planning to sell his condo and boat and buy a bigger boat (I always think of “Jaws” when the words, “bigger” and “boat” are combined) in order to live on it. A 50 footer I guess. That should be nice. His former wife Barbara joined us for a bit – she also looks great, and then John and his son Sam took me for a sail. Haven’t been on his boat since my dad and dog died. It was like visiting an old friend. The tide was super low – perhaps from the incoming hurricane that’s supposed to hit this weekend – John said that it might be pulling the water out to sea. But it was fair sailing yesterday! Saw a ton of buoys holding lobster traps. Got my mouth a waterin’ and after we tied the boat off, we went to a fish hut and I got a lobster quesadilla! D-Licious!!

It was good to see family. I’ve been pretty distant from my siblings and it was good to reconnect.

Sending love to all.