10 days back...something's not right

So it's Monday and I spent the morning working on my thesis and jumping through the academic hoops that are necessary to prove that one is worthy of a master's degree.  HEY -- DON'T YOU GUYS KNOW -- I'M A CERTIFIED BIKRAM YOGA INSTRUCTOR -- THAT'S WORTH A LOT MORE THAN A FR*&%$#NG MASTER'S DEGREE!!!  At least that's what I want to yell.  But of course that would not be effective, and I promised myself that I would have this monkey off my back by my birthday in March.  So the clock is ticking.  In oh so many ways.....

I'm staying in the Roseville area with my dear friends Robyn and Cindi.   Along with my awesome brother Bob and his lovely girlfriend, we enjoyed a tremendously relaxing and bountiful Thanksgiving dinner.  I am grateful for all of my friends and so glad that Robyn and Cin have offered their spare bedroom for the meantime, but I still feel so out of sorts since returning.  I'm teaching as much as I can and again, am grateful to Patty for offering me what she can in regards to classes and helping to run a thing or two at the studio.  But still...I don't feel like I belong here any more.  I suppose in a way that's a good thing, and I'm holding on to that discomfort because if I do get comfortable sleeping on a futon bed in the spare bedroom of friends, then that says something very bad about who I have become.  

I'm absolutely jonesing for my own home and space.  I want so much to just jet over to the place I feel I belong and get a home, start a studio, begin a LIFE again.  But I know that I have to get some teaching under my belt, I have to get this thesis completed and I have to stick it out here for the meantime, and get comfortable with this uncomfortableness.  Embrace it, in a way, and keep my eyes, ears and heart open to the next phase.  This is temporary...

...I am still feeling awkward about having an open schedule.  I feel like I'm wasting so much time because I'm not locked into 8:30 yoga, lunch, lecture, yoga, lecture, bed.  Also, the yoga I'm doing here feels so much different than yoga with 300 people.  In some ways it's easier, I'm not dying from the humidity and heat, I'm not bumping into others in full locust, but it's also harder, I feel so removed from the other people in the studio, it's almost a lonely experience, and I seem to have lost any of the balance I gained in Acapulco.  I'm having trouble standing on one foot again.  Perhaps that's because I'm wearing shoes again and my feet are changing shape.  I am definitely stronger and certainly more flexible, I just feel....weird. 

Can anyone shed light on this peculiarity?  

LA Woman...walking down the street with her dog

So I arrived in Los Angeles, found the Bikram Headquarters (more on that later) and then made my way into Hollywood to find the hypnotist.  I know that going a small distance in LA can take hours due to traffic, so I did the recon, found it and then got a comfy and safe hotel nearby.  Showered up, gave Higbee a quick walk and then walked onto the studio lot where Mary's office is.  Our appointment was at 5pm, and most of the business of the day was over,  so I didn't get to see any famous people.  Mary's office was in one of the original buildings, a beautiful art deco design looking over a courtyard.  We spent nearly 4 hours together, and talked quite a bit about my experience in training, why I felt I was having trouble learning the dialogue and how I did in posture clinic.  Then we did two meditation  imagery exercises.  Finally, Mary talked with me for about 45 minutes about hypnotism and how it works.  Then I put on some headphones, wore a lavender scented bean bag for the eyes and settled comfortably into the couch and listened while Mary mixed her voice and ocean sounds into her computer and of course into the headphones I had on my head.  She did the countdown and I was out before she got to five, and then I woke to the count back up.  I have no idea what she said, and even after listening to the CD she gave me later, I still went to "sleep".  But I do seem to have more ease memorizing the dialogue and it seems to be sticking better.  So hey!  I'm happy with the results so far!  

The next day, I took Higbee for a walk around Hollywood and Vine and we looked for a place for her to do her business.  There's a lot of concrete around, and lots of bars on the windows in that part of town, but finally spotted a beautiful lawn in front of an apartment building.  Feeling a little guilty about the inevitable pee on that nice green lawn, we made a beeline for it and found....it was a plastic yard!!!  Yup, that green was astroturf.  So we walked around a bit longer and finally found an appropriate place for Higbee to do her business. 

We then headed back to Bikram headquarters.  I was surprised that it wasn't as luxurious as I expected it to be.  In fact, it seemed a little run down!  The studio itself was really large and I virtually stood alone while I practiced.  Had a hell of a time doing the balancing postures as the floor and the walls were all the same tan color and had trouble finding a point of reference.  But it felt so good to practice and I even saw two people there from training!!  Honestly I do miss being in the room with 300 other people.  The women's room had really old lockers and the color on the wall was kind of stale, but I did like that the studio had doors on either side -- it was obvious that opening up both would create a great cross breeze.  

Manali was not there, but I did get to talk with several other people there and it looks like my thesis can progress.

Made the long drive home after that, and dealt successfully with the holiday traffic.  Am enjoying a terrific day today with friends and family.  Looking forward to getting back to the studio tomorrow.

Love to all and happy thanksgiving!!!   

The adventure continues

A few more notes on teaching my first class:  

Those poor students.  They really put up with a lot from me.  I was able to complete the class in 90 minutes because I forgot more than half of the dialogue!!  Here's the internal dialogue that I was having:

"Oh my GOD --- they are doing what I'm asking them to do! Look at that!   Oooo, I'm standing in the way of that woman and she can't see the mirror. I need to move to the right. Oh, now I'm standing in front of him, I'll move over here, oh fuck it, there's too many people in here, I can't avoid being in the way of somebody, oh no, what's the next posture? Well, I couldn't remember much of that pose but people got through it, ok, on to the next one, oh yeah, I could have said this and that and this...oops better focus on the posture I'm in....darn, what's the sanscrit name again? HEY -- I'm doing ok in the timing of this! Ok that's a bonus! Uh oh, which leg is it? Right? Left? Oh, there's Patty touching her right leg, ok, it's right leg over the left leg!"

It felt pretty hot in there, but as someone talking through the class and not actually doing it, I couldn't tell if it was hot or not, and of course coming from the boiling hell of Acapulco, what's hot?  At the end of the class, when everyone was in final savasana, as I was walking out to turn off the lights, a fellow kind of moaned, "turn on the fan", and I realized that people were truly suffering.  Of course, I completely forgot to say thank you or "Namaste", so after I stood in the lobby laughing my head off, Patty told me that the group said it to themselves.  

Obviously, I need help, so I'm writing from Harris Ranch along hwy 5.  I'm on my way to LA to meet with Mary Holmes the Bikram yoga hypnotist.  She has helped dozens of people not only get the dialogue in their head, but access it in the order at the right time.  Let's see how this works.  Several friends have asked for her phone number so they can tell her to put a few items in my brain, and maybe take a few out!!!  No way!!!  

I'm also planning to meet with Manali at headquarters and talk to her and someone else about using Bikram people to complete a survey for my thesis.  Met with one of my committee members last night about 8:30 to confirm the process and then drove down about half way down with trusty Higbee in the back of the car.  At around 1am (time sound familiar?) I decided to call it quits, and made the decision to sleep in the car --- figured that I'd save some money and would spend it on a hotel tonight in LA.  So I found a cozy parking spot in the Harris Ranch parking lot, rolled out the sleeping bag and grabbed my pillow.  Higbee and I tool a short stroll so she could stretch her legs, and we took in the lovely smell of thousands of cattles' poop.  Those of you who take that trip down or up Hwy 5 know that tell tale smell --- ick.  So we climbed back in the SUV and, without permission, I commandeered Higbee's bed as a comfy cushion for my head and hips.  This awesome dog that's not SUPPOSED to shed has disproven the breed - this dog sheds like a building in the back yard (get it....shed?).  So there I was covered in dog hair, realizing that I was completely buzzed from the diet coke I drank about an hour before to stay awake.  Bummer.  And Higbee was sitting on my feet.  65 pounds of dog tends to cut off the circulation.  I kept telling her to get off my sleeping bag, but I'm certain her response was, "well, get off my bed"!  

So finally fell asleep, avoided any highway killers on the road and woke to the amazing smell of cooking beef!!  Much preferable to cattle poop!  I let Higbee do her business, did a little of my own, and now, fully stocked on a lovely Earl Grey tea and a banana walnut muffin, I'm heading south to Los Angeles.  

Wish me luck.  Love to all.  

Lucille

Yup!! I did it!!!

So on friday, I went to the 4:30 class at the Granite Bay studio.  I was so warmly welcomed by Patty, the studio owner, and Cory, her assistant manager.  They were so happy that I had survived training and immediately asked if I had taught a class yet.  I told them that I hadn't and that I was planning to go to LA first.  They said, "no, no, no, you must teach as soon as possible" and Patty tried to talk me into teaching the next morning at 8am.  Unfortunately (or fortunately), I had already planned a road trip with my buddies Selina and Karin, so Saturday was not possible.  So she set me up for this afternoon (Sunday) at 4:30.  I didn't have much time to prepare in my mind, as I spend the weekend with the gals, and I got to the studio, sort of ready at 4pm.  

I was really nervous and when more and more and more people came into the studio, I didn't know whether to shit my pants, drop dead in fear, or just be glad that I could embarrass myself in front of even more people!!!  I decided to just go to the bathroom and then walk into the studio.  Patty gave me a beautiful introduction and then I started......started to completely butcher the dialogue!!!!  I could not remember much of anything, forget the Sanscrit names for the postures and I was into the next pose when I remembered, "Oh shit ---- I forgot that paragraph, or that phrase" and in the remembering of what I forgot, I was forgetting more!!!  But I got through it, got everyone safely in and out of the postures, even a very first time student, and I had people laughing now and again, AND...I finished in 89 minutes!!!  When people were in final savasana, I completely forgot to say thanks for being on the show and Namaste, I just walked out of the studio, but I did it, and for a few moments in each posture, it was really fun.  They were actually doing what I asked them to do!!!  

So now I have to learn the dialogue more and more and more, and I'll be better at it.  Patty said afterward that I have nowhere to go but up (and I'll take that as a compliment), and she also said I have a nice voice, and I'm very grateful for that statement (and even for the nice voice), so now I just have to get better.  

Whew!!!  It was fun, it was scary, but it was so good!!!!  I'm going to like this!!!

More later.  Headed to LA and Bikram headquarters tomorrow.  Will write more after that adventure.

Love to all.  Lucille 

Adios Acapulco!

November 19, 2008
10:43 am I’m waiting around in the Mexico City airport for my connection to Cabo and then on to Sacramento. Spent two days not very far away distance-wise from the Fairmont, but about as far as you could get socially. I ended up with group of yogis in Playa Bonfil, a beautiful and simple little beach and surfing community unfortunately getting edged out by high rises and luxury brand specialty stores. I spent most of Monday sitting in a hammock reading a novel that was quite gripping, I’d read for several hours, nod off for a while and then wake to grab the book again (it’s title is “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” by Sieg Larsson – don’t know if it’s available in soft back in the US yet). Had an ice cold Corona to celebrate a stunning sunset and then went with my buddies Mark and Chris Bayokis (refer to previous entry on Chris) to dinner at 100% Natural. Our other eating option (since almost everything else was closed by sunset) was a place right on the side of a very busy road, with small chickens running about, a non-operating toilet and a drunken old man trying to grope me. Normally I would consider that type of thing do-able (not the groping, but he could be handled), but after Mark reported on the condition of the bathroom and suggested an alternative, I agreed. I’ve been fairly lucky in regards to stomach illness; no reason to tempt the gastrogods at the end of the trip.
We retired to our simple and much less expensive hotel on the beach and called it a great day.

Yesterday, I woke earlier than most of the group and enjoyed a lovely breakfast on the beach. Continued to read my book and then was joined by a few yogis. Mark, whom I went into town with a few weeks ago, wanted to teach a yoga class (his first) so we moved a few tables and set up our mats under the palapa roof of the restaurant and did a class in the sand! I didn’t really push it – my knees are only just starting to repair and my hamstrings are still aching, and I didn’t want to tweak something in the sand. Plus I was in my bathing suit and the top wasn’t as reliable as regular yoga togs. Mark finished in 100 minutes (a little over) and he did a good job – he wasn’t exactly on dialogue, but he kept going and I think he will be a good instructor once he hits his stride. It was good to do a little stretching! Then an excellent swim in the ocean -- the riptide wasn’t as strong at the Fairmont, but the waves were bigger. Apparently this weekend they will have a surfing competition at Bonfil. I’m sorry I’ll miss it.
The photos in this entry were taken by Chris. He did a good job capturing Bonfil’s relaxed atmosphere.Again had a beer at sunset, then a mosquito filled meal after sunset (that’s another strange thing – there are NO bugs at the Fairmont and of course a million elsewhere, don’t even want to think about the level of pesticides at the five star residence). Once again retired early in order to prepare for a 7am flight out of Acapulco. It’s pretty darn cold here in Mexico City. When I arrived 10 weeks ago, it was boiling hot, but everyone here is wearing warm coats and scarves. I think I’m in for a shock of cold when I get to Sacramento.

But I’m ready to go home.I’ll have to hit the ground running when I land – have an opportunity to work with Bikram studios on my thesis and have to meet with Manali next week in LA to discuss the particulars. Which means that I’ll have to talk with some of my committee members to get a few things sorted out before I go. While I’m down there, I’ll visit Patrice’s studio in Orange County – it’s supposed to be the most beautiful studio built and I’d like to benchmark it. Will also talk to the hypnotist who has helped many a Bikram yogi get the dialogue in their head. It might be a shortcut, but if it helps, hey, why not??? I’ve looked at the dialogue document over the last few days, and although it’s certainly familiar, and I know I could do just as well as Mark did yesterday, I don’t feel like I own the words yet.
Still have some thinking to do about all of this. But I suppose that feeling will be with me for a while. I have completed a pretty impressive thing and I feel very good about it, but I really feel like I’m just starting. Have a lot to do in the short and long term. This is just the beginning.

5:44 pm. Absolutely exhausted. How many times have I written that over the last 9 weeks? It’s been a long day, but unlike none in the past. I’m shivering in the air over California (I think we’ve crossed over the border), dressed in a ridiculous group of layers, none of which match, all of which make me look like a dork. Even so, I’ve introduced myself for the first time as a yoga instructor!! Kind of a strange feeling, but one I’m very proud of. As opposed to “marketing director”, “graduate student” or “Silicon Valley resident” I really like referring to myself as a yoga instructor, or rather, a BIKRAM yoga instructor! Surprisingly, the woman I talked with, who is from Mexico City, knows about Bikram yoga, but she hasn’t been. She said she’ll think about it. She’s a psychotherapist.

Cindi is going to pick me up at the airport and she’ll have Higbee with her. Can’t wait.

At graduation, Dr. Tom, one of my fellow graduates and a retired oncologist, spoke about the benefits of Bikram yoga and how it can be used to promote good health. He was very articulate and convincingly talked to us about how the current medical system is seriously broken and a new model is required, one in which the pharmaceutical companies are rewarded for developing life saving drugs, but where also we have alternatives that allow us to do activities that help us to prevent the need for those drugs (and perhaps even recover without them). I talked in an earlier post about the awesome stories people told at the last lecture. There were people who had been addicted to alcohol and drugs, women who were anorexic and had done self-mutilation, people who had recovered from pretty serious diseases including RA, major knee ruptures, and even depression, and they all triumphed because, they said, the yoga healed their bodies, their minds and their spirits. I believe it. This is a picture of Emmy (she’s facing the mirror so you see both front and back views) from the advanced class demonstration – she’s near the same age that my mother would have been. She had a brain tumor a few years ago and look at what she’s doing – the woman is amazingly flexible and she’s also sharp as a
 tack. I plan to be somewhere in the vicinity of that level of flexibility in my ‘80’s! So Dr. Tom said in his speech that not only should every student of medicine take Bikram Yoga (and the teacher training program), but they should prescribe it to their patients. Wouldn’t that be cool? Tom is going to work with Rajashree to set up and conduct several medical studies that will help to identify in more measurable ways, the benefits of Bikram Yoga.
I asked Rajashree, Emmy and Craig how they see Bikram yoga as a business evolving in the next 10 years. Raj kind of avoided the question, but admitted that as a member of the family, she was biased in her vision. So she talked a lot about how it has evolved in the past. Craig and Emmy said that they can only see it growing for many reasons, several of which I’ve described in this post. The whisperings are that Bikram will have a franchise agreement in place by January, which means that when I open my studio, I’ll be obliged to be part of the franchise. This worries some people, who think that they will not be able to pay Bikram and make a living. I’m not concerned, I have seen the benefits at Kinko’s of standardization in operations and in branding, and if the franchise fee is fair (and I have no reason to believe it won’t be), then it will be a good thing for studio owners and for Bikram yoga in general! I’ve also learned that there’s no reason to worry about something I can’t control and is a nebulous thing in the future. I’ll figure it out when I need to.

Ok, battery is getting low and that’s a bummer, the laptop is keeping me warm. But that’s enough for now.

Love to all.

Leaving....sort of

Well, here's one photo of me, Sunny and Jacqueline on graduation day.  I took a bunch of images of the demonstration as I had a perfect vantage to see our wonderful Susan from New York and of course Erin from Chicago.  So when it was time for me to get on stage to receive my diploma from Bikram, my camera died.  Serious bummer.  But my awesome friend Upkar took a photo with her camera, I'll have it soon.  

Really wanting to get away from this place, but it's a national holiday in Mexico-they seem to have a lot of those-and there's nothing available anywhere but here.  So...I'm going to spend the night sharing a room with a bunch of people and then I'll find a peaceful place to relax tomorrow.  

Had a half glass of wine with dinner last night and I immediately felt its effects - and even woke this morning with that tell tale dryness in my head.  Couldn't believe it.  So that cold beer on the beach will have to be handled with care.  Guess my body is more pure than I thought!!!

Ok, have to check out of my home, and get on with life.  More later.

Love to all.

Graduation Day

The alarm woke me at 7am, but I snoozed for an extra half hour.  Gathered a bunch of extra food and supplies and carried them to the yoga room to donate to a homeless children's organization. Hope they like sweaty yoga togs!!  I was pleased to see a lot of things there, hopefully we will help a few unfortunate kids.

Awesome Diane taught the last class ever to be held in the studio -- Bikram has moved the location next time to Palm Springs, CA.  Unlike last week's makeup class, where I was still suffering from the effects of dehydration, this one was nice and loose, comfortable, easy, flexible.  There were two women right in front of me who were beginners.  One in particular kept walking around her mat and checking herself out in the side mirror, all during the balancing postures.  I was entertained rather than flustered by it (even though I kept falling out), as we have been told over and over that we will be shocked to get back into a regular yoga studio and see what "regular" people do.  

About half way through the floor poses, I started to realize that I was coming close to the finish line.  Last night was great, but I held back my excitement as I felt it would have been premature to celebrate.  So while on the floor, I finally felt a tremendous sense of completion, and I also felt both of my parents love and support.  That room has been a hell, a haven and almost always hot, in many ways I'm going to miss it, but will always treasure the transformation that occurred there.   63 days, 101 yoga classes, 750 hours of training, and about 82 hours of sleep in total.  

I'm not the same person who arrived here 9 weeks ago.  Although this is certainly not the hardest thing I've ever had to do, it's pretty close in many ways, and the quiet satisfaction of this accomplishment (especially at this age) will be with me for a long time.  Last night at the talent show (which was amazing -- I had no idea we had so many amazing people amongst us), Diane gave me a big hug and said she could feel my wings.  I'm not sure if she meant that the muscles in by back had become more defined, or whether I had metaphorically sprouted wings to fly.   Either way, I like it, and believe they are both true.  

It's been a rough year in so many ways.  But I'm stronger, better, faster and I can lock the knee!  

Tonight is graduation.  There were women in the salon across the street getting updos.  I felt pretty fancy just getting a trim off of this ratty hair and a pedicure.  We will have quite an event I understand, and it will include an audio of Bishnu Gosh, Bikram's guru, multiple speeches, and of course, each of us gets to walk across the stage and receive a diploma and a photo with Bikram and Rajashree.  

Here's the photo I got last night.  It's a pretty big smile, but I think tonight will be even bigger.  Or maybe with more tears.  Wait, don't anticipate, just do.

Love to all.

I'll write more as the days progress.  I'd like to continue to capture my thoughts, and if you're interested, you are welcome to continue to read!!  I'll also be sure to write about my first teaching experience.  THAT will be a hoot!!!!

I have to thank you all, not just for following my progress, but also for giving me support, on this blog, via email or just in your thoughts.  Believe me, I could feel it and it is so greatly appreciated.   

Ok, time to get gussied up for graduation!!!